You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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