my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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