i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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