dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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