Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
