I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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