I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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