Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
