I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
