last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize