Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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