well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
