I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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