Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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