shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
