I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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