Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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