I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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