Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
At least life still wants to fuck me.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
