I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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