Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
