My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
