wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
