Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize