It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
