Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
