Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
