i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
