The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
