I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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