It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
