I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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