Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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