cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
that is very illegal...i love you.
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