Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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