boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
