We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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