how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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