i love accidental penises.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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