And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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