so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
