6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
