dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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