The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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