Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
