I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
