just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My hand turned me down
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize