there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
