This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
