He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize