Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
