please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
