I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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