I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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