I'm so fucking centered right now
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
