Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just forgot I was standing up.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
