I cannot find my penis.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
