Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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