I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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