I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My breasts were aching with rage.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
