I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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