Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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