Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
