No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
