How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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