My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
