i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
