Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
