There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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