We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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