I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It's blow job season.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
