My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
