He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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