Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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